It is, without doubt, the toughest, most important, most challenging, most rewarding and the most frustrating job in the world. And there is no course that prepares you for it. You are not trained for this job and while there may be many books out there on parenting, nothing - and nobody - can every prepare you for this onerous task. And while it is a universal experience, it is also a truly unique one. There are billions of parents out there in the world and billions of ways of parenting. How one parent brings up a child is vastly different from how another rears his brood. Social, cultural and religious mores all play their part. For instance how a child is brought up in India is way different from how a child is brought up in the US.
For years, I was wracked with guilt because I thought I had ‘failed’ as a mother. Getting back to work when my daughter was just three months old, leaving her at the mercy of paid help, carting her around to my workplace and meetings, leaving her to fend for herself at a very young age, I felt I was a real bad mother. That I never gave her the childhood she deserved. It took me a long, long time to get over the guilt and realise that I had brought up a wonderful daughter: one with the right values, one who was honest, true to herself, compassionate, helpful and generally what we would describe as a “good” human being.
A lot of my ‘Aha!’ moments or moments of self-realisation have come from my daughter’s epiphanies. Some months ago, my daughter turned to me and said “I think your dad did a fabulous job of bringing you up”. My immediate instinct was to point out that it was my mom who brought us up really, not my dad. But I thought about it. It was true, my dad had played his role too. As had my grandmom. We (my siblings and I) are a sum total of this parenting by all of them. Yet they never told us “This is right - this is what you should do” or “You must not do this”. It was something we saw, we learnt, we imbibed. And that really is the best way. Because children don’t do what you ask them to do, they do what they see you do. Monkey see, monkey do, right? I really find it strange when parents tell their children the ill effects of smoking and drinking, but happily do both. Or are shocked when their kids use foul language, when they swear all the time.
There really are no rules in parenting. No dos and don’ts. You simply have to go by instinct. I have seen parents who have been too strict with their kids and the children just went ahead and did things behind their back. I have seen parents give their children way too much freedom and that has back-fired too. I have seen parents who tried hard to be their child’s friend. But hey, your child already has plenty of friends, but he/she has only one set of parents. So be the parent. A friendly, responsive, supportive parent. But a parent nonetheless. Children need parents. They need to know that whatever life throws at them, they can count on the love of their parents (who else can love them unconditionally, besides their dog?). They need to know that their home is a safe harbour where they can return to, when the storms of life buffet them around. They need to know that however hard it gets out there, they can still manage because their parents are watching out for them and will continue to - till their last breath.
Of all the roles I play in my life, the one that is closest to my heart, the one that I most cherish is my role of a mother. It fulfils me like nothing else does. My daughter’s cheerful “Ma!” is the sweetest sound in the world for me. When I look around and see several of my friends battling it out with their kids, having hard-to-resolve issues with those whom they have given birth to and reared, or damaging them, intentionally or unintentionally, I feel grateful for doing some things right.
Like loving my child and showing her that I love her in many, different ways. Making her feel special, indulging her, never ever laughing at her dreams, or her fears, her hurts, her insecurities.
Like always being there for her - even if not physically. My daughter knows that I am always just a call away.
Like building a strong relationship with her. So many times we fail to really nurture relationships. We assume that once the relationship is established, we don’t need to work on it. Every relationship needs to be nurtured - continuously - like a garden. You can’t just water it once and expect it to bloom.
Like keeping the lines of communication open always. My daughter and I established a routine of sorts. When she was smaller, I worked flexi-hours and would pick her up from school. She would excitedly share all that happened in school on the way back. Later during her college days, we would sit together after I returned from a long day at work and ask each other about our day. During her one year sabbatical post college, we would sit late into the night and watch her TV programmes together. Stuff that she wanted to watch. Some of it that I followed, some that I invariably dozed through. But always we had our ‘commercial break’ conversations. Ensuring that your child can talk to you about anything, is important. Silly conversations, serious discussions, crushes and infatuations, friends and their loves and lives, her likes and dislikes... Now that she is in hostel we have our calls late at night. I don’t have a very good phone personality, so our conversations are not as long as I’d like them to be, but we make up through long emails and short messages.
Like being honest with her without overburdening her with our problems. It’s a fine line. I do think children need to know at least some of what’s happening in your life. However it’s also important for them to be told that this is a passing phase and that challenges are part of life and can be overcome and that Life is always beautiful, despite all the problems and difficulties. Share both the good and the bad, else they’ll think that life is only misery.
Like being stern with her at times. Children need to be disciplined, not in a harsh or violent way, but they need to be told when they are doing something wrong. By laughing it off or letting bad behaviour pass, you are actually condoning it and this could become an issue later on.
Like letting her make her choices, take her decisions. I never ever forced her to do things she was not comfortable or happy with, whether it was the choice of a course or choice of college. I was real keen she joined Mount Carmels and she even got through the written and oral entrance exam, but she chose Jain College. And she thrived there. I cannot understand parents who push their kids into engineering or medicine simply because they believe these are better career choices.
Like being the best that you can be. Ultimately, that’s what is most important. And I think the greatest compliment I have received in my life is one of the 50 reasons that my daughter mentioned for loving me: “Because watching the way you live your life, makes me better at living mine!”
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