Saying goodbye

How do you say goodbye to someone who’s your whole world? How do you say goodbye to someone who has been one of the most important influences in your life, who has shaped you, moulded you and cared for you? How do you say goodbye to someone who is the only reason you walk this earth today? 

My mother has been on the ventilator for almost a week now. Some tough decisions will need to be made in the next couple of days. My siblings and I will have to be strong enough to make those decisions. To be able to let go. And while I know that is the kinder thing to do, my heart refuses to accept it. Selfishly I want to hang on to her. To keep her with me for as long as I can. Because as long as my mother is alive I can still be a child. I can rest my head on her lap when things seem too overwhelming. Its been a long time since I have done that. Rested my head on her lap and had her stroke my hair. But earlier, before she took very ill, every trip home would be incomplete without that, even if it were for just a few minutes. Today, when my daughter comes and rests her head in my lap when she has a migraine or is feeling unwell, I stroke her head the way my mother did mine and feel a quiet sense of comfort. 

When I look back at the tapestry of my life, I see that the richest patterns, the most beautiful colours and the most enduring threads are those of my mother. From her I received so many gifts. The gift of writing. The love for reading. Generosity of spirit. Compassion for those less-privileged. An appreciation for the more important things in life... My mother is the least materialistic person I have ever come across. She never craved for anything and did not even know the meaning of greed. Gifting her then was both difficult and easy. No sarees or jewellery for her. A book was enough to make her happy. I think she is the reason my siblings and I grew up with a healthy disregard for material wealth.  My sister recently remarked: “We are not street-smart”. Maybe that’s not a good thing in today’s world, but I would not have it any other way.   

They say only a mother can love you unconditionally. And I have seen that in action. When I was going through the toughest phase of my life, having chosen to marry the love of my life, I face vehement opposition from everybody. There was a lot of anger, hurt, a sense of betrayal on both sides. My mother must have been hurt too. Yet when I placed my head on her lap and cried my heart out, she gently stroked my hair and comforted me. Then my mild, timid mother did something so brave, that almost a quarter century later, it has the power to make me cry. She who had never opposed anybody, or fought for herself, found the courage to stand by me and quietly give me her blessings. I still marvel at the depth of her love that put my happiness before all else - even her faith. Its so clear in my mind’s eye: the day when she gave me my ‘trousseau’ - stuff she had collected for me over the years.  The tears in her eyes as she gave me a red saree with her blessings. What courage that must have required! To know that her gesture would have repercussions on her. That my father would not take kindly to her action. 

And when finally I walked out of my home to start my life afresh, it was only my mother who understood why I took the decision. I still have the letter she wrote to my best friend demonstrating again, her unconditional love and her in-depth understanding of my feelings. When I was pregnant and my best friend conveyed the news to her, she was anguished that she could not be there for me. “A girl needs her mother during this time” she said, ruing the fact that she couldn’t do what her heart yearned to do.

There are a hundred memories that come rushing, knocking incessantly at the door of my soul. Asking to be let in. I hold them back. Not now. Not all at once. It is too painful at this moment. Now, for the little time I have, I will believe that all’s well with the world, because my mother still inhabits this world. And just for a little while more, I can still be a child. 

Venting Out!

So, the fascists are asking for Amartya Sen to give back the Bharat Ratna because he does not want Narendra Modi to be PM.

When Narendra Modi equates the killing of thousands of Muslims in the Gujarat genocide to ‘puppies coming under the wheel of a car’ it’s freedom of speech and when Amartya Sen voices his opinion, it draws such flak?

When Muslims protest against Salman Rushdie and Taslima Nasreen, freedom of expression is touted and when M F Hussain paints goddesses in the nude he is exiled from the country?

When Narendra Modi talks  about his development model (which many have proved is mere propaganda), he is applauded. When the UPA Government wants to do anything for Muslims, it’s ‘minority appeasement’.

When people like Varun Gandhi and Narendra Modi spit out vitriolic against the minorities, they are proud nationalists. When intellectuals like Amartya Sen speak for the minorities, it is ‘pseudo secularism’.

All those so called urban liberals wanting Narendra Modi to be PM, please be prepared.

With BJP in power you can expect the voices of artists, thought leaders and intellectuals to be muzzled. Case in point: How Mallika Sarabhai and Verghese Kurien were treated for speaking out against the Gujarat genocide. The banning of Parzania in Gujarat. The blacklisting of Aamir Khan for supporting Medha Patkar in the Narmada Dam controversy.

With BJP in power, you can expect strident voices demanding Sanksrit/Hindi as the medium of instruction. Then what will happen to your English Movies, English Books and English Lifestyles? Are you prepared for that?

Moral policing is going to get more aggressive. We saw what happened in Karnataka when the BJP was in power. Girls in jeans being targeted. The Mangalore incident where a party was broken up because it was against their ‘sanskriti’. Vehment opposition to Valentine’s Day and New Year Eve celebrations….

And before you jump the gun and call me a Congress stooge (That’s what they are calling Amartya Sen too), I am equally disillusioned with the Congress/UPA. All I want is what you want too…and what is our constitutional right. The freedom of speech, the freedom to voice my opinion openly and fearlessly, the right to live where I want to, without being pushed into ghettos just because I belong to a certain community, the freedom to work and live with dignity and with non-discrimination. Is that too much to ask?

Looking Back…

It’s strange how some sight can trigger a memory. Today afternoon when I was returning from a client meeting in an auto, I saw a young boy riding pillion on a scooter tightly grasping a huge TV. That sight opened up a floodgate of memories. I remembered carrying a large framed painting as I rode pillion on Sunil’s trusted Bajaj Super. It was for the living room of the first home we owned: # 3, Little Heaven Apartments.

Now as we get ready to move to our third home, I look back with a sense of pride and quiet satisfaction on the road I have traversed. It was not always an easy path. There were obstacles and challenges. There were doubts and regrets. There were a dozen dilemmas and a hundred fears. But equally, there were so many joyous moments, so many dreams fulfilled, so many goals reached, so many achievements realized – big and small.

There have been amazing people I met during this journey. Some have stayed on to become my lifetime friends. Some have moved on. But every one of them taught me something.

There have been so many roles that I have played – and continue to play. But the most cherished role will always remain that of being a mother to my wonderful daughter Anu and best friend to my soul sister Ranjana.

There has been so much learning and discovery on this journey. The books I have read, the people I have met, the thought leaders that I have had the opportunity to listen to, the choices I have made, the decisions I have taken, the experiences I have had, the situations that I have faced…

They say “You can’t drive forward, looking in the rear view mirror”. True. But looking in the rear view mirror is sometimes essential. To get a perspective on the distance you have travelled, the milestones you have passed, the road you have left behind. When I look back I feel blessed. Truly blessed.

Eid Mubarak!

Eids always make me nostalgic… I am transported back to Mubarak Munzil – the home that I grew up in and that I still love and the magical Eids we celebrated there.  

Bathed and dressed in our new clothes, with hennaed hands, we would crowd around the breakfast table. The menu was always the same. Piping hot kichdi, dalcha, papad-badi and two varieties of seviyan. The one made with sugar by my mother and the other made with jaggery – my grandmother’s specialty.

After breakfast, we went with Abba to the Eidgah. We were left in the car while Abba and my brother said their prayers. Sometimes, our neighbours would accompany us to the Eidgah. We would buy cheap, plastic toys with our Eidi. What treasures they seemed to our innocent eyes! The bright, multi-coloured toy tiffin carriers and a host of little things that gave us such joy. Eid prayers completed, we would trudge to the cemetery and pay our respects at the graves of our grandfather and other deceased relatives. From there, we invariably went to Abba’s aunt’s house. Hers was a large family – her daughter and four sons and their families all lived together in a sprawling house. We would first visit her and then each uncle in turn which meant a round of seviyan everywhere!

Lunch was the traditional biryani. There were always friends at the table. So we loitered around, eating, talking, laughing… Sated, we would continue our conversation in another room. Idle chatter, silly jokes, teasing each other... such wonderful times we had!

Evenings saw a continuous flow of relatives who came to greet my grandmother and take her blessings. Then there was dinner – where we sometimes had people coming over or we were invited to the houses of friends and family. Time seemed to move at a leisurely pace then. Nobody was in a rush and Eids were a joyous occasion of family and friends coming together, sharing food, conversation and laughter.

When we grew older and could not accompany Abba to the Eidgah, we followed our mother as she led the prayers at home. My sisters, the maids, the cook all standing in a line behind my mother. Her duas after the namaaz, were for the whole world. She asked for health for all the diseased and ill, for prosperity for the poor, happiness and peace of mind for those going through difficult times. She prayed for the Palestinians, the Bosnians and whoever at that moment in time was facing persecution. Her duas were so impassioned that they made us all cry. Trying to appear unaffected and ‘cool’ - in the words of today’s generation - my sister and I hid our tears behind a nonchalant smile as we embraced each other.  

Those Eids are a thing of the past. Abba, Dada and so many of our relatives who were such an integral part of every Eid are no more. Life is rushed and the business of living consumes our every waking moment. Few of us have time to apply mehendi or make elaborate preparations for Eid. The Eidi has increased but the joy it brings has decreased. Yes, Eids makes me nostalgic and my heart yearns for the Eids of the past. Those innocent, joyous Eids at Mubarak Munzil!

So, what makes you smile, chuckle, chortle, giggle?

They say that we reveal our character by the things we laugh at, by what we find funny. Our first instinct, when someone falls, is to laugh. So the person who falls not only has to worry about the scrapes and wounds, but also the ignominy and embarrassment of a crowd that finds his fall funny. 

When we were growing up ‘comedy’ for us meant Laurel & Hardy, Charlie Chaplin, Tom & Jerry. Today we are surrounded by comedy shows, sitcoms, rom-coms, stand-up comedians, funny movies.... and yet we have become increasingly intolerant and unable to take a joke. Indians have always been accused of having no sense of humour. I guess we are a serious lot, carrying as we do, a 5000 year civilization on our frail shoulders. But look at our history - our kings loved a good laugh. Court jesters were appointed to entertain the king. And the witticisms of Birbal and Tenaliraman are legendary.    

Here are the top five things that make me smile:

1. Peanuts Comics - Charlie Brown and his friends can always, always make me chuckle
2. Orson’s Farm Comics - An amazing bunch of characters beautifully delineated
3. America’s Funniest Videos and the candid camera type of shows
4. The humour in Kung Fu Panda, Ice Age and Madagascar. Silly movies like Welcome, especially some scenes that really set me off
5. Some TV shows like Yes Boss and Sarabhai Vs Sarabhai. I like the British brand of humour: loved Mind Your Language, Yes Prime Minister and Are You Being Served?

What I cannot stand is the comedy show where all the contestants believe that you cannot say something funny without it having a sexual innuendo. The canned laughter, Archana Puran Singh’s loud, forced laughter and the crass, over-the-top humour of the contestants puts me off - totally. I guess I am a prude that way.

Sometimes the silliest of things sets me off. I remember Anu and I were at a parlour once and there was this lady who had just finished a relaxing facial and dozed off. She kept snoring and every time she snored Anu and I would just double up. What was funny about that? Don’t ask me, it seemed real funny at that time :)    

So, what tickles your funny bone?

Thoughts on Parenting

It is, without doubt, the toughest, most important, most challenging, most rewarding and the most frustrating job in the world. And there is no course that prepares you for it. You are not trained for this job and while there may be many books out there on parenting, nothing - and nobody - can every prepare you for this onerous task. And while it is a universal experience, it is also a truly unique one. There are billions of parents out there in the world and billions of ways of parenting. How one parent brings up a child is vastly different from how another rears his brood. Social, cultural and religious mores all play their part. For instance how a child is brought up in India is way different from how a child is brought up in the US. 

For years, I was wracked with guilt because I thought I had ‘failed’ as a mother. Getting back to work when my daughter was just three months old, leaving her at the mercy of paid help, carting her around to my workplace and meetings, leaving her to fend for herself at a very young age, I felt I was a real bad mother. That I never gave her the childhood she deserved. It took me a long, long time to get over the guilt and realise that I had brought up a wonderful daughter: one with the right values, one who was honest, true to herself, compassionate, helpful and generally what we would describe as a “good” human being.  

A lot of my ‘Aha!’ moments or moments of self-realisation have come from my daughter’s epiphanies.   Some months ago, my daughter turned to me and said “I think your dad did a fabulous job of bringing you up”. My immediate instinct was to point out that it was my mom who brought us up really, not my dad. But I thought about it. It was true, my dad had played his role too. As had my grandmom. We (my siblings and I) are a sum total of this parenting by all of them. Yet they never told us “This is right - this is what you should do” or “You must not do this”. It was something we saw, we learnt, we imbibed. And that really is the best way. Because children don’t do what you ask them to do, they do what they see you do. Monkey see, monkey do, right? I really find it strange when parents tell their children the ill effects of smoking and drinking, but happily do both. Or are shocked when their kids use foul language, when they swear all the time. 

There really are no rules in parenting. No dos and don’ts. You simply have to go by instinct. I have seen parents who have been too strict with their kids and the children just went ahead and did things behind their back. I have seen parents give their children way too much freedom and that has back-fired too. I have seen parents who tried hard to be their child’s friend. But hey, your child already has plenty of friends, but he/she has only one set of parents. So be the parent. A friendly, responsive, supportive parent. But a parent nonetheless. Children need parents. They need to know that whatever life throws at them, they can count on the love of their parents (who else can love them unconditionally, besides their dog?). They need to know that their home is a safe harbour where they can return to, when the storms of life buffet them around. They need to know that however hard it gets out there, they can still manage because their parents are watching out for them and will continue to - till their last breath. 

Of all the roles I play in my life, the one that is closest to my heart, the one that I most cherish is my role of a mother. It fulfils me like nothing else does. My daughter’s cheerful “Ma!” is the sweetest sound in the world for me. When I look around and see several of my  friends battling it out with their kids, having hard-to-resolve issues with those whom they have given birth to and reared, or damaging them, intentionally or unintentionally, I feel grateful for doing some things right. 

Like loving my child and showing her that I love her in many, different ways. Making her feel special, indulging her, never ever laughing at her dreams, or her fears, her hurts, her insecurities. 

Like always being there for her - even if not physically. My daughter knows that I am always just a call away.

Like building a strong relationship with her. So many times we fail to really nurture relationships. We assume that once the relationship is established, we don’t need to work on it. Every relationship needs to be nurtured - continuously - like a garden. You can’t just water it once and expect it to bloom.   

Like keeping the lines of communication open always. My daughter and I established a routine of sorts. When she was smaller, I worked flexi-hours and would pick her up from school. She would excitedly share all that happened in school on the way back. Later during her college days, we would sit together after I returned from a long day at work and ask each other about our day. During her one year sabbatical post college, we would sit late into the night and watch her TV programmes together. Stuff that she wanted to watch. Some of it that I followed, some that I invariably dozed through. But always we had our ‘commercial break’ conversations. Ensuring that your child can talk to you about anything, is important. Silly conversations, serious discussions, crushes and infatuations, friends and their loves and lives, her likes and dislikes... Now that she is in hostel we have our calls late at night. I don’t have a very good phone personality, so our conversations are not as long as I’d like them to be, but we make up through long emails and short messages. 

Like being honest with her without overburdening her with our problems. It’s a fine line. I do think children need to know at least some of what’s happening in your life. However it’s also important for them to be told that this is a passing phase and that challenges are part of life and can be overcome and that Life is always beautiful, despite all the problems and difficulties. Share both the good and the bad, else they’ll think that life is only misery.

Like being stern with her at times. Children need to be disciplined, not in a harsh or violent way, but they need to be told when they are doing something wrong. By laughing it off or letting bad behaviour pass, you are actually condoning it and this could become an issue later on.  

Like letting her make her choices, take her decisions. I never ever forced her to do things she was not comfortable or happy with, whether it was the choice of a course or choice of college. I was real keen she joined Mount Carmels and she even got through the written and oral entrance exam, but she chose Jain College. And she thrived there. I cannot understand parents who push their kids into engineering or medicine simply because they believe these are better career choices. 

Like being the best that you can be. Ultimately, that’s what is most important. And I think the greatest compliment I have received in my life is one of the 50 reasons that my daughter mentioned for loving me: “Because watching the way you live your life, makes me better at living mine!”

I am therefore I write!

My writing is like me: simple, straightforward, sensible. No complex sentence structures, no nuances, no textures, no hidden meanings…. I write like I talk. In the days before email (Yes, those ancient days when, horror of horrors, there were no computers or emails!) I used to write long letters to my friends and family. A classmate who has preserved some of my letters to this day, recently told me: “Every time I read your letters, I felt you were right there in front of me, talking to me”.  I admire the way my friend Ranjana writes. And the way my daughter writes. But sadly I cannot write like them. My style is different.

I love writing. And writing is all that I wanted to do for as long as I can remember. I articulated this when I was in the sixth standard when I mentioned “Author” as my ambition in a classmate’s autograph. A word that is almost obsolete today and taken over by the more contemporary “Writer”.  I loved English classes, especially compositions - another obsolete word.  I enjoyed writing those compositions – My Best Friend, The Autobiography of a Rupee, My School… Sometimes, I would pen a poem as part of the composition. I would be called over by my teacher Miss Meera to read these compositions aloud. As I entered my tenth standard, I veered more towards poetry. I wrote poems for my siblings and cousins on their birthdays; I wrote a poem about my dad’s friend, which he proudly shared with all and sundry; I wrote poems on stuff that I saw, felt or even imagined. I was praised. My family thought I was really talented and I started believing them. So I wrote some more. And became more passionate about writing.

To write well, you must read. And I read a lot. I devoured books. It helped that I came from a family of readers and was surrounded by books and magazines. We were encouraged to read. I think there was not a single room in the house that did not have books. And that’s true of my home now too. And so I read and nursed my ambition. Literature is what I wanted to do. So off I went to Madras to do my graduation in English Literature and my post graduation in Journalism and Mass Communications  – the first girl in the family to step out of the hometown for further studies.

Destiny then brought me into advertising and I became a copywriter. I wrote for a living. I learnt to write with discipline. I learnt to write to sell. I learnt to write under pressure. I learnt to write with crazy deadlines.  My clients loved what I wrote. I remember three incidents in particular when my writing was especially noticed and appreciated, by two different Chief Ministers of Karnataka.

The first was a campaign we did focusing on communal harmony post the Babri Masjid demolition. The Government of Karnataka, through the Department of Information & Publicity wanted to do a multi-media campaign. We worked through the night and finally came out with a campaign that I am really proud of… Veerappa Moily was the Chief Minister of Karnataka then. The Client Servicing Executive and I went to his official residence on Kumara Krupa Road to present the campaign. He read through it and expressed his happiness with the work.

Years later, we did a brochure for KPCL for the inauguration of a Power Plant. The Chief Guest was the then Chief Minister of Karnataka S M Krishna. Just to make the brochure interesting, I wrote a poem on the Krishna River. The CM was so impressed with it, that he asked the MD of KPCL who had written the poem. I was given a letter of appreciation and a KPCL Bond!

A couple of years ago I did a brochure for free for a charitable organization that takes care of orphan girls and destitute women. The brochure was ‘launched’ at a function held in honour of the woman who started the Ashram. Another CM was the Chief Guest. He cursorily flipped through the brochure and then started reading it – seriously reading it, word for word. At the end of it he announced a sizeable amount to be disbursed to the Ashram. Did the money actually reach this place? That is another story.

I am a third generation writer. My maternal grandfather wrote. My mother wrote, though sadly she has not preserved any of her writings. Uncles, aunts, cousins… they all write and write well. Some of them are even published. I wrote my very first novel – more as a lark. A Mills & Boons kind of book, just to prove to a friend (who loved M&Bs) how silly these books were and how easy to write. My second novel took several years to write and is now waiting to see the light of day. There are more books waiting to be born, more stories waiting to be told. They come to me in the most unexpected moments. When I am driving. When I am day-dreaming. When I am lying on my bed and just thinking idly…

Writing is not always easy, especially for a perfectionist like me. I want every sentence to be crafted perfectly, every word to be chosen with care. Sometimes it happens naturally. That’s what I call ‘inspired’ writing. It seems to come from some divine source and I know that I cannot duplicate that again.  

Writing – like most other art forms – is a gift from God. It is not something you learn. It is inherent and then you polish it, you hone it, you make it as good as you can. I am truly grateful to Allah for giving me this gift. A gift that has defined me. A gift that has brought me such joy and satisfaction. A gift that has helped me make my passion into my livelihood. A gift that I have passed on to my daughter, a fourth generation writer.